Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians,
With Their Translated "Country" Definitions
- 12 Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
- A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
- Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's cherry pie
- Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"
- Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
- Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses
- Bass -- The things you run around in softball
- Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
- Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
- Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives
- Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
- Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone
- Clarinet -- Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
- Clef -- What you try never to fall off of
- Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
- Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
- Cut Time -- Parole
- Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
- Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
- First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
- French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
- Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"
- Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
- Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
- Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar
- Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
- Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
- Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
- Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
- Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
- Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul
- Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
- Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
- Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
- Ritard -- There's one in every family
- Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
- Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
- Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
- Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
- Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
- Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
- Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
- Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
(This was posted to rec.music.classical by Bolen@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu (Bolen) back circa 2000?)