Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians, With Their Translated "Country" Definitions

• 12 Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
• A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
• Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's cherry pie
• Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"
• Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
• Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses
• Bass -- The things you run around in softball
• Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
• Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
• Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives
• Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
• Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone
• Clarinet -- Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
• Clef -- What you try never to fall off of
• Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
• Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
• Cut Time -- Parole
• Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
• Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
• First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
• French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
• Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"
• Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
• Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
• Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar
• Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
• Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
• Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
• Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
• Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
• Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul
• Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
• Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
• Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
• Ritard -- There's one in every family
• Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
• Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
• Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
• Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
• Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
• Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
• Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
• Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year

(This was posted to rec.music.classical by Bolen@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu (Bolen) back circa 2000?)