Orchestral Summons

           SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA REHEARSAL DEPORTMENT POLICE

                            SUMMONS

Name of offender: __________________  Date/Time of Offense __________

Instrument: ________________________  Location: _____________________


        IMPERSONATING A PROFESSIONAL                    Fine

        __ Stupid Questions                              $10.00

        __ Really Stupid Questions                       $25.00

        __ Really Stupid Questions which increase
             rehearsal length                           $300.00


        PRESUMPTIOUS FIRST YEAR BEHAVIOR

        __ Musicology                                    $25.00

        __ Historical Nitpicking                         $50.00

        __ Obtrusive Foot-tapping                        $10.00

        __ Uninvited Conducting                          $15.00

        __ Questioning Concertmaster's or Principal's
              bowings                                    $25.00

        __ Comparing Concertmaster's or Principal's
             bowings with what Philadelphia Orchestra
             did under Ormandy                          $100.00


        GENERAL TOADYING

        __ Insane Cackling at Conductor's bad jokes      $50.00

        __ Loud and forced horse laugh at Conductor's
             bad jokes                                   $10.00

        __ Unwarranted beatific smile while playing
             (strings)                                   $40.00

        __ Conspicous professional reading (e.g.
             International Musician, etc)                $35.00

        __ Stultifyingly minute bowing/breath questions  $75.00

        __ Conversing with conductor in a language
              other than English                         $95.00

        __ Active and public nodding in agreement
              with conductor                             $35.00

        __ Pencil behind ear                             $25.00

        __ Conspicuous part marking                      $15.00

        __ Letting pencil clatter on stand after
              conspicous part marking                   $500.00

        __ Obvious, insipid consultation of
             conductor's score during break             $150.00

        __ reference to obscure recordings/
             performances                                $90.00

        __ Pretending to understand absurd metaphor      $15.00

        __ Understanding absurd metaphor                 $25.00


        ANNOYING BEHAVIOR BY VETERANS

        __ Playing high notes louder than possible
             (brass)                                     $25.00

        __ Holding same 1/4 beat longer than
             everyone else (brass)                      $200.00

        __ Discussing technique during rehearsal        $100.00

        __ Discussing technique during break            $200.00

        __ Discussing technique with guest artist
             (at any time)                              $500.00

        __ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes             $30.00

        __ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes about
             famous musician (second hand)               $60.00

        __ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes about
             famous musician (first hand)                $90.00

        __ Naming yourself after a dead composer         $50.00

        __ Naming yourself after a live composer        $100.00

        __ Feigning European birth by 'lapsing'
             into foreign languages                     $150.00


        GENERAL OBNOXIOUS BEHAVIOR

        __ Selling Amway                                 $50.00

        __ Inviting conductor to party                   $15.00

        __ Inviting guest artist to party               $100.00

        __ Showing pictures of guest artist at party at
             first rehearsal after party                $200.00



    ____________________________
    Signature of citing official


** FAILURE TO PAY FINES SHALL BE CAUSE FOR REVOCATION OF ARTISTIC LICENSE **