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BITCHERIL (ditetraethylprimadonnabitchenhydrazine sulfate USP) brand of attitude suppressant for orchestral and other ensemble musicians, and certain species of vocalists.
For alleviation of feeling of technical, musical, and interpretive superiority to musicians seated farther forward. For temporary relief of professional jealousy, baton envy, and related conditions.
Children and Vocalists: Use of Bitcheril in these instances is not recommended, except in cases of child prodigies and sopranos, for whom extreme dosages have proven to be of therapeutic value (see Alternate Forms, below).
Violinists: Two 325mg tablets every 3-hour rehearsal. This may be increased to two Extra-Strength caplets if symptoms persist.
Cellists/String Basses/Woodwind Players (Except Flutists): One-half tablet every 3-hour rehearsal for every octave played above middle C.
Violists and Flutists: The recommended dosage of 5000mg every one-half rehearsal makes oral administration impractical. Generally, continuous intravenous infusion is indicated.
Brass Players: Research has shown that attitudinal receptors of brass players are immune from suppression by any means. The use of attitude suppressant agents has therefore proved of no therapeutic value in these cases.
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS
ALTERNATE FORMS OF BITCHERIL
Gripenot: Bitcheril brand attitude suppressant in pleasant-tasting, espresso-flavored liquid form. For players experiencing difficulty in swallowing tablets. Also recommended for surreptitious introduction into colleagues' cappuccinos.
Whinebegon: Bitcheril brand attitude suppressant in aerosol form, for sectional or orchestra-wide dispersal.
F**koff: Bitcheril brand attitude suppressant in compact, Triple-Extra-Strength suppositories. Caution: This is the only form proven effective for child prodigies and sopranos.